“Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.”– Becky Aligada

The Gap

@RevengersBanana: The spaces between us clearly define our borders. We may have often been close or next to each other, but the gap never disappears.

The first time I met you, I vaguely remember it. But I started to notice you months later. We were often in the same group, but you weren’t taking that much. My first impression? You’re a snob, so I tried to ignore you.
But my impression changed when we went on a sponsored car show. It made me smile and realized, I guess you’re just the conservative and quiet type.
While me? Well, you knew me for being random, gay and full of nonsense. I talk and talk and laugh to my hearts content. Sort off a clown.

I wasn’t that close to you. (well even now, I guess we still aren’t that close?) Maybe you’re just a good sport.

The first time I notice you, was when we had our Subic Fun Run. I even joked about “boy scout, always ready!” Plus, we were the last pair from the south to go home. I had to ask someone for your number, so I can at least say “thank you”.

Days passed, we met randomly on different activities. From bad, it went to worse when I took a ride home with you after another car show event sometime in May. I even said to myself, “I admire calm people, I wish I can be cool like him when I’m driving.”

Months later, the South Fun Run. I don’t know what bacteria I caught but I just went on and told you that I had this little crush on you.

Stupid me, I regretted that after I sent you the message. It was childish, no wonder you ignored it. Although its to late to take it back, I texted you not to take it seriously, that was the time you replied and recommended a good optometrist.
After that, a lot of things happened. I got busier with work and studies, that I thought would be a great excuse to forget what I did.

I always say to myself, try not to give yourself an excuse to continue this foolishness. I decided to lay low from the group and just focus on my priorities.

Yeah, you didn’t change. I admire that. You just don’t like “assuming”. I got that message, crystal clear.

Until last month, we were invited to a wedding. Although it was supposed to be a group attendance, it ended up with “you and me.”

The last time we were together, maybe the worst day for you but for me, it was the best 10 hours of my life. I got the chance to talk to you again. I missed talking to you even it was just anything under the sun. As the hours passes by, I realized a lot of things. I may have been sitting next to you, but the gap is just to big. I was scared plus migraine was killing me.

It took days before I was able move on with that and I was lost with words when reality stroke me. It was the first time I talked and shared about it to someone. It wad hard cause I was trapped in denial. But when we went back to the question, I realized how it affected me.

“How did you ask for your parents permission?”
I recalled your lines.
That was the only time I realized why you can’t answer them when they asked you who you’re going with. No label. Not even as an acquaintance or a co-member.

“I thought watching the sunset in Athens was the most romantic scene I’ve ever seen. I never thought that being stuck in an hour and half traffic with you while having random talks about your plans in the future would be more sweeter. I hate it when it rains, but the for the first time I was able to appreciate it.”

I wrote this as a reminder to myself. A promise that once this letter ends, I will also stop this foolishness. It was never part of the plan. But then, unfortunately, it happened. It got worst. I’m sorry… I really am sorry.

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